ONLINE DATING … AT MY AGE?

ONLINE DATING IS FOR EVERYONE … EVEN YOU!

The dos and don’t of online dating.

Boomers now more than ever are turning to online dating sites to meet people. People find themselves alone later in life because of divorce or the death of a spouse or like me had never married until recently.

I talk to people every day in the hair salon where I work. I hear them say that they are lonely and would like to meet someone to share their time with especially with retirement on the horizon. Edward my new husband and I met on Plenty of Fish years ago. Online dating was new to me, and I was skeptical but lots of my clients were doing it. At that time I was not particularly computer savvy and the whole process was intimidating. I had heard all the horror stories about the internet being full of crazy losers, when it dawned on me … my clients that are using dating sites are nice respectable people and if they are on line then surely there must be other nice people online. I took the plunge. A friend of mine helped me to set up a profile and I found it simple to navigate once I got going. My first attempt was not successful. People from different cities, messages to reply to, phone calls and coffee dates. Truthfully, I found the whole thing overwhelming and time-consuming. I deleted my profile and sat back for a while until I developed a strategy. I wrote down a plan as do in my business. My second try was much better.

Some hints that may help you meet that someone special or even a new friend.

BEFORE YOU BEGIN

If you are recently divorced or widowed, it may be wise to grieve your lose and sort your life out somewhat before you tackle dating. You will attract a healthier relationship when you begin on solid ground.

Make a list of your strengths and what you have to offer in detail.

• Write out clearly what you want your life to look like. Whether it be you want to travel the world or have a quiet life with time to spend with the grandkids. Be specific.

• Write a list of your interests and hobbies.

• Write down personality traits that you find attractive in a person. Ask yourself if there are any traits that are non-negotiable for you. Again be specific.

* Consider how far are you willing to drive? This is important if you are looking for something long term. Do you want someone local or close to town or in another country.

NOW YOU ARE READY TO WRITE YOUR PROFILE:

• With the information you gathered … Begin to fill out your profile on the site of your choice. There are sites directed to “over 50s,” some sites have a fee and some are free. Be positive and upbeat. Present yourself authentically. Don’t lie about who you are, your age, weight, financial status. In fact, I would not even mention money. Present yourself in a positive honest light. If you are looking for a serious long term relationship begin with being honest. Example: I don’t enjoy sports, if I had said I liked sports because I think men do, I may have attracted someone but I might have had to watch Sunday afternoon football til the end of my days or admit I don’t actually like sports, and he would have felt deceived.

Also, say a little about what you are looking for in a mate. Be realistic. By the time we have reached this point in life, we all have some baggage, we have made mistakes, we have had wonderful moments and have been heartbroken. This is the beauty of life, if we are 50 plus and have no war wounds to show for we have not fully lived. Again be honest. Example: Looking for an outgoing guy who loves to go to parties and events or looking for a lady who is content with a quiet life and enjoys life’s simple pleasures. It’s a good idea to mention any deal breakers here. If you can not tolerate something such as smoking, having children, drinking etc. better to make that known right from the get go.

KEEP AN OPEN MIND:

This is important. Before you say “he or she is not my type” Give them an honest chance. She might look different from your previous partners, have lived a different lifestyle or is not as attractive as you would like, but look in the mirror, we are all getting older and it’s okay we are more than our outside appearance. That person who you think is not your type might turn out to be fun and interesting. The goal is to find someone and make each other happy.

How it works:

• Fill in the profile of the site you choose. Be sure to add currant pictures of yourself. Don’t be tempted to post pics from 10 years ago when you were on the going to the gym everyday kick. Post several photos and don’t forget to smile.
• Fill in the section on the site … questions such as … are you looking for male or female, what age and location.
• Peruse the profiles of different people who pop up in your category. It’s like a big catalog of men and women.
• Send a message … When you see a profile you like send a message telling them you read their profile and you like what you read. Maybe add that you too love dinner parties and like to travel. Surprisingly some people don’t read the profile and look solely at the picture. Read the profile! Also, I found it frustrating when someone would send a message saying merely hello. Show the person that you are interested enough to read their profile and form a proper message.
• Respond to the messages you receive … Be polite. Engage in the conversation. Say a something about yourself but don’t forget to ask about them. No bigger turn off than a self centered person.
• Phone conversation … now you’ve chatted on line and it’s time to exchange phone numbers. I think an actual telephone call is needed rather than texting. Always good to hear someones voice and how they speak. It gives a better idea of what the person is like.
• Time to meet … You’ve both agreed that you are interested enough to meet. Suggest going for a walk or a coffee date. Make it short for the first date in case it’s clearly not a match. Somewhere quiet where it’s easy to talk. Be sure to have their contact info with you if there is a mix up you can call them. Be smart … meet somewhere safe, be careful how much personal information you share, time for that If it gets more serious. Trust your intuition if something doesn’t feel right, excuse yourself.
• Never just not show up … this is incredibly rude. If you change your mind or chicken out. Be polite and message the person and tell them, be honest and don’t keep them hanging on. Treat people as you would like to be treated. We are all way past mind games.
• You like the person but there were no sparks … He or she may not be the one but could become a good friend. Keep that option open. They may feel the same. Be open talk about it. It is nice to have a friend to do things with. My husband is still friends 13 years later with two women he met online, and they are now my friends too.
• Don’t be too needy or clingy, he may like you and neediness my push him away. It’s a lot of work to be with a clingy person. Continue to see other friends and do the things you enjoy invite her to join you but if they say no, respect it and go do it anyway. Confidence is an attractive quality in a person.

I do recommend online dating, I would not have met Edward had I not given it a try.

Be smart, Be safe, Be yourself and enjoy the process. Don’t be offended if someone doesn’t respond it is just how it works. Give it a whirl!